Tend to yourself first; you can always give your kids more later as you can afford it. Have you lived in your state long enough to meet the residency requirements? These are important questions you need to ask an attorney BEFORE you tell your spouse you are leaving," says Mark Guralnick, a veteran divorce attorney licensed to practice in seven states and four countries. He is also author of six books on divorce. No matter how you cut it, one-half of something is not greater than the original sum. If your spouse does clean you out, keep a journal and bank records to show to the judge later.
Most courts accept journals as evidence which can help your case dramatically. It can also help your memory if you have to take the stand in court. Type keyword s to search.
Today's Top Stories. The Most Expensive Dog Breeds. The Best Pregnant Couple Costumes. My husband of 13 years told me last weekend he wanted to separate. We have two children, 12 and In the past, we have said some hurtful words to one another I hate you, why are we still together, we need to quit pretending that things are ok, etc However, we usually got over the verbal abuse and go about our daily lives. Well, last weekend, out of nowhere no argument was taking place , my husband decides that he has had enough and wants out of our 13 year marriage. I am devastated.
Yes , I have said hurtful things to him, things that I said when I was angry that I never should have. However, I am deeply, deeply sorry and the last thing I want him to do is leave. I have poured my heart out to him through text because he won't communicate with me any other way. I've even changed the way I am doing things just so I can prove that I love him and that I really do want our marriage to work. So far, nothing i say or do is working.
He has cut all communication with me, all social activities we had planned to attend as a couple he is going alone. He told me I could not go. He has come home every night this week at the wee hours of the morning, and sleeping until I get the kids and myself off to work and school. Then he gets dressed and goes to work. This morning, he packed a few clothing items and bathroom necessities. I'm assuming my husband is not coming home tonight.
I am at a lose!!!! What do I do??? I love my husband VERY much. I do not want him to leave.
Questions & Answers
I'm scared My husband kicked me and my kids out of the house 2 weeks ago.. He had another girl calling my phone saying they have been messing around.. We we're together for almost 4 years. What i did was turn to god. And nothing else. Yes the pain is unbearable! I sometimes feel lost and miss him. Almost all of these stories fill the blanks of my current situation.
I have been in my marriage for the last 13 years and have been with him for 18 years. I have been through three other bouts of his infidelity. Each time he asked for my forgiveness and I have taken him back. This last and 4th time he again found someone else to be with in our marriage. We now have two small children and I fill like I am losing my mind. I have begged, pleaded and groveled for him to leave this person alone. In the meantime, he has given many gross details and concluded that she is his dream girl.
I have tried to keep this embarrassment from friends and family but I can not stop crying. I cry at work or at the drop of anything. This time I expected him to come back to me since I told him that I want him and will forgive him. He keeps telling me NO. The fear has overtaken me of raising children and moving on.
I have even tried to commit suicide to escape the deep pain. He talked me out of it and then told me that because I didn't go through with it, I'm playing mind games. I am a my wits end, I want to move on so bad and see light but my life seems so dark. I have tried to find some light and him coming around everyday this is killing me. I don't want to utter another plea but I just want him to come to his senses and come back. I am so confused, hurt and betrayed. My husband separated from me this past weekend after 29 years of marriage.
I also feel so much pain. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. I asked if we could try to work on our marriage but he says no. So I know I need to get through this but I just can't seem to get my act together. This was such a shock to me. I keep hoping he will just walk through the door and say we can start over. To make it worse there was a time that I had these feelings and I wanted out.
He begged me to stay and work it out and I did for our family even though I didn't want to. It took time but we made it through and I was able to be happy and in love again. But he won't give me a chance to make changes in my behavior. He just wants out. I have been told to let him go and leave him alone and I've been told if I still want the marriage I should fight for it. He holds all the cards because I really am afraid to do anything. I'm afraid if I do get myself together and move forward with my life and there is a chance he might change his mind that this might make him think I don't care.
And if I try to get him to give us a second chance that he will not like that at all and push him further away. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and the most painful. I wish I could just make it all go away. Hi I recently separated with my wife of 15 yrs I am lost confused and devastated I don't understand how I as a man feel so much pain as to where she tells me she feels happy alone My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for We have three beautiful children.
Our journey of marriage started when I became pregnant after being together for 4weeks. I was told I couldn't get pregnant they were wrong. After finding out when I was six weeks pregnant he told his parents and then asked me to marry him, I of course said no but when I was 6 months pregnant I decided we should. As it was we were young and immature I was only 23 and he was I thought it would be easy but it never has been. I don't expect him to be perfect or the marriage to be a fairytale, but still it's not what it should be and like many I have talked to I thought having more kids would help.
I have struggled with him being an alcoholic and now he is abusing drugs prescription and to top it off he is taking my daughters pills for her ADHD Concerta. I have to hide them or he will take them it's sad. To top it all off we bought a house 3 years ago with his mom in her name we live in the main house and she in the in laws quarters not wired for so no stove or dryer for her she uses mine. We started out doing well in this venture but it started to get out of hand about a year ago. His mother pays all the little bills elec water etc and we make the While I love his mother dearly and appreciate most of the things she does it has definitely added strain as well.
She is widowed and has very low self esteem so obviously she relies on him a lot. Not to mention the fact that she started acting like our live in maid, she didn't stop there she started opening my kids mail report cards etc. Now it's all I can do to hold back. Now it's to the point where I want to separate temporarily to give both of us space and time to see if we can rekindle what we had in the beginning which as I said was very stressful. I don't want a divorce but he is being rude unreasonable saying hurtful and mean things yet then he will text me obscene messages and inappropriate sex links.
When I try to tell him I am angry and hurt and need space he says ok and then I found out he's been speaking with police and trying to figure out a way to kick me out so to speak.
9 Tips for Surviving a Separation
I feel in comfortable as it is as the house is in her name. I have asked several times to do MC but he declines for one reason or another. Money, lack of willingness to open up etc. I don't know what to do? Advise please would be appreciated!! I was devastated,, she was my childhood sweetheart and i will always love her ,, 30 yrs we were together,i hope someday she can get over her illness and be friends with me again When I was going through my separation, it was so painful, just like that.
One day at a support group, someone described it in terms of a death. Except there is no funeral, no cake, no flowers, no chance to say good-bye, no crowds of friends and loved ones coming together in a big group, helping to mourn the loss. For some reason, just hearing that analogy was a comfort to me.
It is pretty much devastating as if someone had passed away. The grief is very real, and very similar. I am so sorry and know that I am praying for you today. There is nothing to do but to wade through, and there will be better days ahead. Praying for good support in your life, and for your children, and that you can reach out for it. I am also going thru this awful life changing event and still cannot come to grips that my husband has left me after 27 years and 3 beautiful children together I just don't see a time that I won't miss him and love him and even want him back Have just started this journey myself after my husband having another affair.
Your advise is really helpful. Hi Mark, It is heartbreaking to hear about the grief you are going through.
Surviving the emotional roller-coaster | Relate
I attended this, and it really helped me with the pain I was dealing with. Might want to see if there is one near you. Highly recommended. Dear GG, I am so sorry to read your experience and all I can say is lets hold hands through this - me losing my husband and you your wife. There is always an ear on the other end of the line, so do write your feelings and people will respond and help in many ways. Lonliness is the killer, so make sure you try to do things out of the house.
Where is 'here'? My friends have been a great help but one of them said to me that the most important thing was to learn to depend on myself something I have never had to do. So, I'm taking one tiny step each day and we'll see where that brings me. You're in my prayers, hang on in there , there are brighter days ahead. GG, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
I had a few tears when I read your message. You are in my prayers. My wife of 17 years just moved out couple days ago while I working far from home. I left work behind came home immediately to find an empty house. There was no warning and I thought my marriage was stable. We do not have kids. This has been devastating to me emotionally to me as I did not see it coming.
I stumbled upon your writings looking for some help.
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Thanks, your words are encouraging. The first thing I'm having to do is breathe I don't have any close friends here and feel devastated emotionally. This is the hardest thing emotionally I have ever gone thru. She was my best friend. So sorry you are going through this. It is a painful, very difficult time.
I think it's important to have good support, such as a friend to call, or clergy. I found counseling helpful too. I haven't been in one of these groups, but have heard good things about them from a couple of friends. Perhaps there is one in your area? I found when my husband moved out, it was one of the most agonizing parts of the process. I had lots of tears that week.
Give yourself the space to grieve that you need. Hi, have just joined as was looking for info on how to deal with a separation. I am going through such turmoil, as I asked for the separation, after years of hesitation. I finally plucked up the courage and felt such relief at that time, but unfortunately cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel now.
My husband stopped speaking to me in May - NO communicatiaon whatsoever - and moves out of the house this week. I have been miserable with guilt since the beginning and am so filled with fear but I know in my heart we could not have continued. I need help with sorting out my emoitions, as he has got the bad end of the deal - moving out, visit rights, contribution for our son, and the bare hatred that he shows me is killing me.
Over and over, I ask myself if I did the right thing - he did not treat me as a wife and enjoyed his life with 'the boys', made no effort to work at the relationship etc. So, does anyone have any advice for me on how to stop feeling so desperate and lonely? Thank you in advance, TG. So sorry about your situation. That sounds very difficult. It is fully your discretion how long you choose to wait.
I also talked to people outside of the situation, such as my own counselor and pastor to get advice about timing. In my own situation, I saw that reconciliation was impossible after about a year of separation and attempts to reconcile. I had a measure of peace about moving forward and made good efforts to work on my own issues related to the marriage. It was still painful, still very difficult, but I had peace that I had done everything I could do. It took quite a measure of faith to move forward, even after the divorce was finalized. I wrote another article about waiting to date a year after divorcing.
For me, that was also part of realizing fully that the marriage was over and that I had done all I could. I pray that you will find peace in the midst of your situation and I admire how you have worked to keep your marriage together. I have been separated from my husband for the most part of this year. Each time, he left me. My counselor agrees that I have done everything possible to save my marriage.
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My husband resents me for making him go to counseling. I have seen an attorney to file for an uncontested divorce, but he has not signed. We have not communicated since our last separation about three weeks ago. I don't understand why he won't end the marriage since he has abandoned me. I hear your advise but I wonder how long must I "hang on for the ride". Thank you Pamela! I think there's a fine balance betweeen sharing too little and too much. Louis, Missouri. Your advice here is wonderful, accessible and doable. All of which matters when you are in the throes of heartache and looking for respite.
Voted up! Thank you Angela. Yes, "survive" is a good word for it! I really appreciate your comment. Excellent subject matter, advice and writing. For those of us who have traveled the road of separation and "survived" we can all testify that the advice you've given here is golden. Susan, Thank you so much. It truly is from my heart.
One of those topics that I have been aching to write about for some time. My now husband also told me that was one of his favorite comments as well. I hope the article helps someone else along the way, as I had so much kind support when I was going through the experience.
This one comment alone has the power to change the course and save one so much unnecessary pain of ones journey in the grief process Thank you for opening your heart to share a very painful experience - May God use it to give hope to those in the midst. You are amazing. Yes, in my own experience, it was quite difficult to think straight those first few days. It was pretty traumatic. I tried to think of things I would have liked someone to tell me and I'm sure some of my dear friends and family must have advised me in a similar way.
Thank you for your comments. You have some excellent input for anyone whose partner has abandoned their marriage. It would be a heartbreaking experience and the pain seems like it could prevent a person from thinking straight. Practical guidance with pointers on where to turn for more help would be hugely helpful in such a situation.
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As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so. Karen Fritzemeier more. Basic Self Care Breathe. Slow Down You might have to make a few decisions immediately see below , but many decisions can be put off until later.
Seek Help Go to people you trust the most, perhaps people you have known for a long time. Go about your normal day Resist the urge to retaliate Chances are, you are dealing with a huge range of emotions right now. This isn't the time for self blame It will be necessary and good to evaluate the separation at some point. Emotions It's okay to cry if you need to. Faith If you are a person of faith in Jesus Christ, you have the God and Creator of the universe on your side. A few practical matters to take care of immediately Find a good attorney.
This does not meant you are getting a divorce. It means you are attending to basic practical matters. If you know someone who has gone through a recent divorce, perhaps they can recommend one for you. Stay where you are depending on the circumstances. It may or may not be a good idea to leave your home. If you are in any danger, you need to leave and go somewhere safe. Otherwise, it may be advisable to stay. An attorney can advise you on what is the best thing to do in your situation. Protect yourself financially. Depending on the laws in your state, it may be necessary to file for a legal separation.
Getting a legal separation is not the same as getting a divorce. When I was first separated, my stomach turned at the very idea of divorce. I was separated for nearly a year, hoping that my marriage would be restored. However, it is vital to protect yourself financially from a spouse that may no longer have your best interests at heart.
This is the one thing you should do as soon as possible. Again, it has no bearing on whether or not you ultimately get divorced. It protects both of you in the interim. These are dark days but How about you? Questions must be on-topic, written with proper grammar usage, and understandable to a wide audience. It is an awful spot to be in. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I asked her weeks before if anything was bothering her and she said "no just in a mood" Right around that 6 month marker she talked with a friend who isn't the best judgment for relationships. I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through. Carla, One of the best books I ever read about porn addiction and what it can do to a marriage was called An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall. He's response has always been "mmm hmmm" I just feel like I want someone would can connect with me on a deeper level, I know this next phase in my life is going to be so hard especially with a baby but I know deep in my heart I'm not in love with him.
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- 7 Foolproof Secrets To Surviving A Painful Marriage Separation | HuffPost Life.